understanding (noun) -
The quality or condition of one who understands; comprehension. The faculty by which one understands; intelligence. A reconciliation of differences; a state of agreement. A disposition to appreciate or share the feelings and thoughts of others; sympathy.
understanding (adjective) -
Characterized by or having comprehension, good sense, or discernment. Compassionate; sympathetic.
respect (noun) -
A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem. The state of being regarded with honor. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.
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i miss my grandma alot & for the last 6 months or so, i really wish she was here. she was always an easy woman to please.. always smiling & looking at the positive in any situation; never really let things worry her too much. i use to be like her.. & i really don't know what happened between the car accident i had & now. nowadays, its all a blur. everything is just a complete.. blur. i can hear myself breathing, i can hear my heart pumping, i can feel & sense myself blinking my eyes -- but in the end, its all one big blur.
i've never really understood why things happen to people. most say cause & effect; others say its God. i truly believe none of it sometimes. *shrugs* thats just an honest opinion.. i see soooo many people developing a power of worship for something that they've never seen before & become consumed in this "new birth" of life, where they can't be told any different. i witness some of the most ridiculous things from those same people, amazingly. some people that use to be around me, aren't around me anymore & i made that decision with no warning & i'm now being questioned on those decisions by those people. i owe no one any explanation for anything that choose to do; no one sure as hell gives me any explanation good enough to justify themselves on the things they do, choose or say, so why is it that i have to?
what makes people place themselves above others, just because they have engulfed certain fruits that were ripe for THEM at the time & not the person next to them? what makes one human believe that leverage weighs more than common respect for the next human? who really has a say-so in who's better than the next person? who's to say that we all go to Heaven or Hell when everything turns black? why is it that people that say "i've been losing my mind lately.." get treated less than? is it because the person receiving that statement refuses to try & understand why they've been losing their mind or is it that they just don't care? is it because the receiving person of the statement won't truly understand or relate? like, these questions have yet to be answered in a form of purity to me. everyone has always given me their opinion but no one has ever given me the facts. the truth.
people continuously come to me or get around me & tell me "..yeah, the Lord has been dealing with me.." - no, thats your conscience. one of the funniest things to me is the fact that i can tell you what someone is gonna say or do before they do or say it & you won't believe me.. WHICH IS COOL, because you're not obligated to believe anything that i submit to you.. but what happens is, it comes to pass.. then you're looking for me, trying to figure out how i know what i know. something else i get in return are people that consider me to be crazy or i just don't know what i'm talking about. in the beginning, it was irritating but now i look at it with a smile & keep moving forward.
what i don't understand is, how can you really be placed on high for the amount of knowledge you hold or consume - but you're not using it.. how can one person try to buckle another person into something that may not be for them? why are there so many men & women making a mold of themselves & trying to fit everyone else in that mold, when its not EVER gonna be able to fit anyone else BUT the person it was made from? why should i honestly be paying attention to someone who isn't paying attention to me? once again, numerous questions.
lately i've put in this time table of decisions or choices & its been getting to me because the choices i HAVE to make aren't the choices i WANT to make.. but that sounds like everyday life, right? the twist comes with me feeling like i'm no longer accepted as someone who has grown but as someone who HADN'T grown, if that makes sense. i've always been judged or classified by my exterior & how i carry myself. i've come in contact with people that carry themselves in similar ways as well as those who carry themselves 180 degrees opposite. over time, people that saw that they couldn't control me or turn me into a direction THEY wanted me to be or be in, turned on me, whether it be slowly or immediately. i've gotten the treatments where people slowly drift away & speak from a distance & wanna call it "love". i call it fakery.
so i'm sitting in a position now where, i can stand up & voice my problems, concerns & misunderstandings with a few people & KNOW that they will look at me as the person being WRONG - or i keep what i have on my mind/heart to myself & know that what i have to say now will never be accepted or respected; that goes for anything.. hard sht to swallow & digest too.. but somehow, i'm able to do it. somehow, i've always managed to be bent but never broken.. but it seems like the harder i try to repel against those who despise me, the more pressure i feel on this back of mine. honestly, i wanna give up on everything - but giving up has never been in my blood.
in the end i say that to say this - silence is golden; true colors never fade. peace & love.
*Ace
