Still.

..still trying to just take it slow.. make sure that i'm taken care of before trying to take care of those who don't appreciate or wouldn't appreciate the efforts i'd show. one of the biggest changes is noticing that i've lost some weight since June, especially since i've had my knee surgery back in July.

some things have become a little closer in reach & some still seem so far away.. yesterday was one of the best Fridays i've had since June & i tried to soak up so much of it because it was more of a mental refuge more than anything. sometimes being distant from everything isn't a bad thing.. i'm just back in mix trying to find this groove i once was comfortable in.. "sincere inspiration is rare.." - something that i'm noticing. imma get it right though. got to.

*Ace

Missing.

lately, i've been kinda distant from a few things, as well as a people in general.. especially the ones that seem to not have any time to devote.. those are the same ones that were always looking for my time when i was always around. now that i'm not, its kind of discouraging to see that those same names don't come up on my Blackberry willingly. i've been under fire alot lately & the actual roots of everything i've been overseeing & dealing with, ISN'T even rooted from anything that i've done - its what i WON'T do that i've been getting grief. its even more entertaining, to say the least, when the problems that people have or had with me, none of them have been discussed directly to me & that makes me timid in expressing exactly how i feel. from anger, to impatience; from curiosity to unstable; from disrespected, BACK to anger.. right now i'm suppose to be trying to recover from this knee surgery but its getting more & more difficult as the days go by - not because of alotta pain physically, but emotionally & spiritually.. & those are key elements just like the physical ones, which no one around me is really taking in consideration. everyone has always seen me as a great asset, until i got hurt.. its almost like.. i don't know.. i've been used alot in my life & i just see history repeating itself & with me being rebellious towards it, THAT'S where the friction comes.

people never like it when you stand up for yourself & for what you believe in. people never really step back & stand in other people's shoes & think long enough to see why people stand up for themselves or voice how they feel about certain shit. its almost like they're scared that they'll get beat at their own game of munipulation or whatEVER their motives may be. alotta people really don't know what it means to have respect for self or good representation of self because either they've never had to do it 100% or just never been taught. i'm frankly tired of people..

i just wanna get lost somewhere right now.. like, i really just wanna run away from everybody & everything because its getting kind of hard to stay connected to the person i was before this transition in another location. i've kinda lost a little drive in having my own business & i know i've got the skills & everything for what i wanna do.. but the people & environment i'm in is draining me day after day.. hour by hour.. minute by minute. in some instances, its just like trying to pull teeth out of a shark's mouth.. sometimes i feel like i'm the biggest fish in the smallest pond but when i look at my circumstances & the court that i'm playing on, i automatically believe that there's gonna be more penalties than points score from me.. but as much as i wanna just run away, as much as i wanna just get the first plane ticket to Tokyo, or Monaco, or Berlin, or LA or Virginia Beach --- ..i can't - for one reason to another.. i woke up the other morning & wondered to myself was i going outta my mind.. imma find out soon enough.

*Ace

Recovery /// Day 41

i haven't really been blogging like i'm suppose to but this knee surgery HAS put me back on alotta things, so i apologize to my readers & followers of this blog & my work. thus far into getting myself back to 100%, i've realized & seen more & more each day that everyone & everything isn't & aren't what or who they seem. inevitably, i won't have to put up with some of the very things i was trying to get away from, too much longer but when you're pretty much stationary, time is slow & CAN be painful, as i've been experiencing.

right now i have plans for a new set of moves, with the consideration of my knee. i vowed that i'll take my time with alotta things & discontinue trying to satisfy others before myself, thinking that if i DO satisfy them FIRST, that everything will be okay for me.. sorta like tryna kill 2 birds with 1 stone.. in this case, the birds didn't die & now i have a 4-6 month injury to care for that no one but me & my girlfriend really cares about. i thank God for her right now 'cause i truly believe i'd give up on alot if it wasn't for her. the plans i have ready & willing to set in motion will probably once again has me lose a little more but its nothing new to me.. my peace of mine is more important, along with my health.

i've observed once again how people will show you exactly what time it is & sure enough WILL kick you while you're down, while looking the other way, screaming that it isn't them thats doing the wrong.. its amazing how i can see & hear change in one's eyes & one's voice.. actions speak louder than words. so with that, imma take my own advice.. *puts fingers over lips; fades*

*Ace