lately, i've been kinda distant from a few things, as well as a people in general.. especially the ones that seem to not have any time to devote.. those are the same ones that were always looking for my time when i was always around. now that i'm not, its kind of discouraging to see that those same names don't come up on my Blackberry willingly. i've been under fire alot lately & the actual roots of everything i've been overseeing & dealing with, ISN'T even rooted from anything that i've done - its what i WON'T do that i've been getting grief. its even more entertaining, to say the least, when the problems that people have or had with me, none of them have been discussed directly to me & that makes me timid in expressing exactly how i feel. from anger, to impatience; from curiosity to unstable; from disrespected, BACK to anger.. right now i'm suppose to be trying to recover from this knee surgery but its getting more & more difficult as the days go by - not because of alotta pain physically, but emotionally & spiritually.. & those are key elements just like the physical ones, which no one around me is really taking in consideration. everyone has always seen me as a great asset, until i got hurt.. its almost like.. i don't know.. i've been used alot in my life & i just see history repeating itself & with me being rebellious towards it, THAT'S where the friction comes. people never like it when you stand up for yourself & for what you believe in. people never really step back & stand in other people's shoes & think long enough to see why people stand up for themselves or voice how they feel about certain shit. its almost like they're scared that they'll get beat at their own game of munipulation or whatEVER their motives may be. alotta people really don't know what it means to have respect for self or good representation of self because either they've never had to do it 100% or just never been taught. i'm frankly tired of people..
i just wanna get lost somewhere right now.. like, i really just wanna run away from everybody & everything because its getting kind of hard to stay connected to the person i was before this transition in another location. i've kinda lost a little drive in having my own business & i know i've got the skills & everything for what i wanna do.. but the people & environment i'm in is draining me day after day.. hour by hour.. minute by minute. in some instances, its just like trying to pull teeth out of a shark's mouth.. sometimes i feel like i'm the biggest fish in the smallest pond but when i look at my circumstances & the court that i'm playing on, i automatically believe that there's gonna be more penalties than points score from me.. but as much as i wanna just run away, as much as i wanna just get the first plane ticket to Tokyo, or Monaco, or Berlin, or LA or Virginia Beach --- ..i can't - for one reason to another.. i woke up the other morning & wondered to myself was i going outta my mind.. imma find out soon enough.*Ace
