lately, its been a battle with my mind & with the things that i sense/see/hear.. some people call me crazy or weird because i may see things happen before their time or i know what you're about to say before you say it & i may not even know you.alotta things haven't been going the way i need them to go, stuff that i don't broadcast to ANYONE. i can tell that its taking a toll on me physically because i've been getting sick & more headaches, more than usual, i should say.. which isn't good in my world.. i'm poppin' more pills than i should be for pain that i thought was gone for good & been in need of some real time away from everything that i deal with.
i got spoken to a couple weeks ago on some things & the verdict was that i was gonna have to make a lot of choices.. choices that i didn't like & really didn't think i was gonna have to think about. i hate choices that are evident with outcomes that you know are inevitable. i hate having to make choices where its determined by the next thing you or another person may do. those are the worse..
so lately i feel like i've been kinda going in the wrong direction, so to speak, with my girlfriend.. its hard to admit to yourself when you've been wrong on a few things that may seem so small to the naked eye - but internally, when you care about a person, & in this case, love a person hard enough, it breaks you down like acid on metal.. it can literally destroy you inside because you care for them THAT much.. you need them THAT much.. you love them THAT much --- that you're killing yourself internally, trying to reason & ration out emotions/thoughts so everything is balanced out to where you can just keep a straight face.
i'm still learning how to come right out & say what i'm thinking because most of the time, all my life, no one listens. why speak continuously if no one is gonna listen, let alone understand? i think sometimes, how the fck can i understand everyone else & their sht but can't understand & solve my own? its always been like that.. & i sit & think about her all the time.. everything i do, its got her in mind. everything. get off my blog if you've gotten to this point in reading & you don't like that i'm blogging about my girl. much appreciated. have a nice life.
but its real.. in alotta senses, for what i explain to her in how i feel about her, its only a FRACTION of what i really have going on in my head when she's on my mind.. & i feel ridiculous for being an ass for the past couple weeks, getting irritated or mad about sht that i was raised to handle with no regard for - meaning, i've been taught to let little things go, not hold them & let them manifest into something dumb or not worth the time of even getting upset over.. but it goes back to what i was saying -- when you have so many damn thoughts, emotions, feelings, --- running around in your head, its kinda hard to really let small things go. its like, it takes too long to come around in a cycle. by the time it gets to the main point of judgment, its too late. its grown.. grown into something bigger than it already was.. & for that, i'm sorry.. with all i've got, i'm sorry.. you may not know or understand how important it is for me to say what i'm saying but in time you will.
so - i was faced with choices & one of the choices involved her.. & it damn near made me break.. because it wasn't something that i wanted or felt that i NEEDED to do.. i'm saying to myself "heeeeell no.. nope." -- kept getting woke up outta my sleep, headaches kept coming & then it hit me.. it came to me.. if i let this sht beat me the fck up (along with EEEVERYthing else), imma LOSE everything.. Ace can't afford that.
i sent her a letter a couple weeks ago, trying to do something new outside of the norm or whatever & she sent me one back.. while reading it, i seen certain colors illuminate & spell out a wordphrase that corresponded to what i was seeing & all i could do was (**closed information**).. & i sat & thought about everything that has been going on & i said "..if imma do all of this, i need her with me to do it." i said 5 years from July 10, 2009 that i was going to be in the position to do a few things where the official start of our lives would be great.. i meant that, Bri. i see nothing but walls around me right now, but i believe i can move these joints.. you give me that strength that i knew i had but never knew how to use it.. i aint tryna fail you OR myself.. according to everyone else - Ace has already failed.
so i apologize for the mystery vibes in texts or having you wonder whether or not i'm okay or if i have a problem with you or with us or even the thoughts that you have of me breaking your heart, because i'm not because i can't afford that.. so i'm standing here letting YOU know & about 100 others know that i love you.. i love you beyond love itself, if there's a such thing, as YOU would say - the answer is yes, there is - you.forever, baby..
*Ace
